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There’s one way and only one way to deter­mi­ne if an ani­mal is intel­li­gent. Dis­sect its brain! It’s a T. It goes “tuh”. Anyo­ne who laughs is a com­mu­nist! Mor­bo will now intro­du­ce tonight’s can­di­da­tes… Morbo’s good friend, Richard Nixon.

I’ve been the­re. My folks were always on me to groom mys­elf and wear under­pants. What am I, the pope? Shut up and take my money! You know, I was God once. Ben­der, being God isn’t easy. If you do too much, peop­le get depen­dent on you, and if you do not­hing, they lose hope. You have to use a light touch. Like a safe­cra­cker, or a pick­po­cket. Pansy.

I never loved you. OK, if everyone’s finis­hed being stu­pid. Oh Lee­la! You’­re the only per­son I could turn to; you’­re the only per­son who ever loved me. Ah, com­pu­ter dating. It’s like pim­ping, but you rare­ly have to use the phra­se “upsi­de your head.” The­se old Dooms­day Devices are dan­ge­rous­ly unsta­ble. I’ll rest easier not knowing whe­re they are.

I haven’t felt much of anything sin­ce my gui­nea pig died. Fetal stemcells, aren’t tho­se con­tro­ver­si­al? I wish! It’s a nickel. I had more, but you go ahead. I was all of history’s gre­at robot actors — Acting Unit 0.8; The­spo­mat; David Duchovny!

It’s okay, Ben­der. I like coo­king too. Why am I sti­cky and naked? Did I miss some­thing fun? Why am I sti­cky and naked? Did I miss some­thing fun? I just want to talk. It has not­hing to do with mating. Fry, that does­n’t make sen­se. Hi, I’m a naugh­ty nur­se, and I real­ly need someo­ne to talk to. $9.95 a minu­te. You, a bobs­le­der!? That I’d like to see!

Okay, it’s 500 dol­lars, you have no choice of car­ri­er, the bat­te­ry can’t hold the char­ge and the recep­ti­on isn’t very… Soon enough. We’­re res­cuing ya.

Stop it, stop it. It’s fine. I will ‘des­troy’ you! But exis­ting is basi­cal­ly all I do! I usual­ly try to keep my sad­ness pent up insi­de whe­re it can fes­ter quiet­ly as a men­tal ill­ness. I feel like I was mau­led by Jesus. And why did ‘I’ have to take a cab? As an inte­res­ting side note, as a head without a body, I envy the dead.

But I know you in the future. I clea­ned your poop. Yep, I remem­ber. They came in last at the Olym­pics, then reti­red to pro­mo­te alco­ho­lic bever­a­ges! Yeah, lots of peop­le did. Inte­res­ting. No, wait, the other thing: tedious. Um, is this the boring, peace­ful kind of taking to the streets? Ugh, it’s fil­thy! Why not crea­te a Natio­nal Endow­ment for Strip Clubs while we’­re at it?

Kif might! Now, now. Per­fect­ly sym­metri­cal vio­lence never sol­ved anything. Ben­der, being God isn’t easy. If you do too much, peop­le get depen­dent on you, and if you do not­hing, they lose hope. You have to use a light touch. Like a safe­cra­cker, or a pick­po­cket. Pro­fes­sor, make a woman out of me.

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